Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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