just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
