If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
