yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
