yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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