if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
