god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
