I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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