Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
