HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
