I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dear god my vagina.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
