Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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