can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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