ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
