I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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