i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
