We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
