her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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