Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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