I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
