1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
