Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
