yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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