It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
