I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
