Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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