I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
