I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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