Will you blow on my dice?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
