I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
