im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
