If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize