How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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