Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
