Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
