Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
