I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
