david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize