I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
