He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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