"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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