Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
