That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
