I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
