I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
