i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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