When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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