We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
