do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
