Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
