just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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