so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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