So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
