Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
