the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
operation harelip BJ is a go
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
