listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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